Jokes
Quote #542 by ~nucleo Added on Mar 15, 2011
A family was driving home from school when a fire truck zoomed past with a Dalmatian dog on the front seat.

"Why's that dog on the fire truck?" asked the younger son.


His older brother said, "They use him to keep crowds back."

His sister said, "No. He's there for good luck."


The eldest child brought the argument to a close, when she firmly said, "They use the dog to find the fire hydrants!"
Quote #541 by ~nucleo Added on Mar 15, 2011
Penny goes to the doctor's office and tells the doctor that she can't get Dash to have sex with her anymore. So, the doctor gives her some pills and says to give Dash one each night in his dinner whenever she wants to have sex. That night she gave him one and they had a decent night of sex. The next night Penny decided to try 4 pills and she had even better sex. Well the next night she tried 8 pills and the sex was wonderful. So the next night she decided to dump the whole bottle in Dashs' dinner. The next day her son showed up at the doctor's office and and said, "Doctor, Doctor, what did you do to my Daddy? My mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my butt hurts, and my dad's going around saying here kitty, kitty, kitty!"
Quote #540 by ~nucleo Added on Mar 15, 2011
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.
I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying 'Hello.'
I politely said,
'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
'Get the right f***ing number!'
And the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her,
I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!'
And hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it,
And put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!'
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.
I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'
He yelled 'NO!' And slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!'
And hung up.
Quote #539 by ~nucleo Added on Mar 15, 2011
There once was a king who lived in two-story grass hut. Every holiday the king demanded to be given a new throne as a gift. As soon as a new throne arrived, he would store the old throne on the second level of his hut and use the new one instead. But one day the hut collapsed from the weight of all the thrones, and everyone was crushed and killed.
The moral of this story? Those who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
Quote #538 by ~nucleo Added on Mar 15, 2011
a minister visits a retirement home and sees this elderly woman on most of his visits. He gets to her room and walks in to see her sleeping. He also sees a big bowl of peanuts ...sitting on her bed-side table. He thinks to himself of how much he loves peanuts and thought it would be fine to eat one. And he does. He takes another and eats it and soon to his amazement... he finishes the entire bowl of peanuts. At that moment the dear old woman awakes to see the minister standing at her bed side with the empty bowl. He appologizes for eating all her peanuts. She said "That's perfectly fine. I can't eat them anyway... I just suck the chocolate off of them".
Quote #537 by ~nucleo Added on Mar 15, 2011
how to catch a bear
First dig a big hole in the earth and fill it with ash~
place peas around the hole~
Then when the bear comes to take a pea
Kick her in the ash hole
Quote #536 by ~nucleo Added on Mar 15, 2011
A dog lover, whose dog was a bitch and 'in heat', agreed to look after her neighbors male dog while they were away on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart, but as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when they mate.
Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice...
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said. "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw".
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"It just worked for me" he replied.
Quote #535 by ~nucleo Added on Mar 15, 2011
Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time. He gets up early and eager, golfs all day long, sometimes 36 holes.
Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet and goes to his car to drive to the course.
Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; torrential downpour.
There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.
He returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.
There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing in that crap?"
Quote #534 by ~nucleo Added on Mar 15, 2011
Back in the old Wild West, there were two blond cowpokes, Jeff and Steve. One day, the two were enjoying a strong drink in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Indians head under his arm.
The barman shakes his hand and says, I hate Indians, last week they burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and killed my children.
He then says, If any man brings me the head of an Indian, Ill give him one thousand dollars. The two blonds looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an Indian. They were walking around for a while when suddenly they saw one; Jeff threw a rock which hit the Indian right on the head. The Indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a ravine. The two blonds made their way down the ravine where Steve pulled out a knife to claim their trophy.
Suddenly, Jeff said, Steve, take a look at this.
Steve replied, Not now, Im busy.
Jeff tugged him on the shoulder and says, I really think you should look at this.
Steve said, Look, you can see Im busy. Theres a thousand dollars in my hand.
But Jeff was adamant. Please, Steve, take a look at this.
So Steve looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand Indians. Steve just shook his head in disbelief and said, Oh my Lord, were going to be millionaires!
Quote #533 by ~nucleo Added on Mar 15, 2011
was up in the hills looking for gold and ran short on supplies.He went to town to get supplies and stopped in the tavern for a drink. He asked the bartender if there were any whores in town. Bartender said " nope there's only Chan the Chinaman down the street. Prospector said "na I ain't that way" took his supplies and went back up looking for gold. About a month later he struck it rich, and went back to town to stake his claim and party. Ending up in the same tavern he asked the bartender again if there were any whores yet.Bartender said" nope there's only Chan the Chinaman down the street.The guy said " you know I'm really not that way but if me and ol Chan was to get together how many people would know about it." The bartender said "5" The prospector said "5!!! why so many" The bartender said " well there would be you and me and Chan and the two guys holding Chan cause he's not that way either"
Quote #532 by ~nucleo Added on Mar 15, 2011
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on a lonesome Texas prarie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The first one says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands."
The second cowboy can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen-foot rattlesnake slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."
The third cowboy remained silent, silently stirring the coals with his hands.
Quote #529 by ~nucleo Added on Mar 12, 2011
Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.
The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife That if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.
Quote #521 by Anonymous Added on Mar 07, 2011
‎"Boob" is the perfect word. The B looks like an aerial view of them, the 2 o's look like a front view, and the b looks like a side view.
Quote #519 by Anonymous Added on Mar 03, 2011
Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea.
"I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous."
"My Billy used to do the same thing," the older woman replied. "But I broke him of the habit."
"How?"
"I hid his teeth."
Quote #518 by Anonymous Added on Mar 03, 2011
Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."
Quote #517 by Anonymous Added on Mar 03, 2011
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
Quote #516 by Anonymous Added on Mar 03, 2011
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.